wasting time

I hear the ice cream truck in my neighborhood. If I wasnt so lazy, I'd run after that shit.

By "lazy" I mean that Im a very busy girl. I am involved in a dozen different things through work, school, church, family, community, etc. When I have down time, I usually prefer to spend it with someone. I love attention. I need it. I've dealt with enough loss in my life (ie, death of three close family members in 2 years) to know that time is love. The laundry, grocery shopping, lawn mowing can all wait another day. Especially if you have the opportunity to spend that time with someone special in your life who you enjoy their company.

I was the girl who always had a best friend and didnt care too much for boyfriends. I liked to talk to boys, but I needed someone, one person, that I could confide in, laugh with, and cry to. One main person who knew all of the ins and outs of my life, the names of my nieces and nephews, my favorite things. That first person I would call to share good news, ask to have dinner, or whatever else I could imagine.

In elementary school, that best friend was Ali Doyle, until she moved away. My super small Catholic school class was close, so I also had close friendships with Catlin, Meghan, Brooke, Leslie, and others as time went on. In junior high, it was Amanda Savoy. I hung out in her garage all the time in 7th grade. Ali and Amanda both moved away, and our relationships faded. High school was all about Jenn... until she cheated on her fiancee with the guy I was trying to date. Hmmm... what a best friend should be dont you think??

College was different. I had classes with Courtney, lived with Christine, and had half a dozen "hoes" to call my BFFs. And then I became a gay magnet, and had Patch, Poodle, Hubby, T-Bone,  and Soulmate in my phone, just to name a few of my favorite homos. When I moved back to Williamsport, I met Natali at WBS. Melissa and I reunited randomly after many years (I was almost born at her parents' wedding.) More recently, I met Asa and Wayne, reconnected with Nikki, and found Rae through my retreat networking.

These people who I consider my closest friends are so scattered now. New York, New Jersey, DC, Maryland, Vermont, Hershey, Scranton. Some are married. Some have babies. Some have dogs. One even has a doctorate. I have my momma's house in Williamsport and two - soon to be three - cats/kittens.

Jeff was my escape. My ticket out of town. A new future to spend with someone else. Someone who could fulfill all of the needs of a friend, and lover. It's hard to believe that that was an entire year ago.

Ian was another story. I'm wondering now if it truly was him that I cared so much for, or if it was just the idea of him. He's perfect on paper, and he loved me back. I centered my life around him (not completely) but I devoted all of my free time to him. Yeah, I knew I'd get back to my point eventually. I have a hard time just relaxing, unless I'm spending my time with someone. Laying on the couch and watching a movie is impossible for me unless I'm sick/hungover/with my significant other. It's what I did alll day Sunday, alone.
*I was with Brian, but that's a whole other story. Basically I took up space in his apartment for 18 hours.

Ian asked me last week if I wanted to be his best friend.

Later that night, we talked about how no matter what our titles, we would still love/care for each other.

My feelings for him havent changed.

I cant figure out yet if it's the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, its yours" or "the best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one" cliche that I'm living by right now. I think it's a combination of all of them. Either way, I just want time to speed up a little bit this week. I'm terrified because school is almost over, and I'll be bored out of my mind for all of June. I need something in my life to have a reason to live. Something that excites me to get out of bed in the morning. Motivation. Happiness. Hope.

someday, somewhere.